


You're my nightmare filled with stars

by Solrey



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Family, Fear, Fear of Discovery, Friendship, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, romantic feelings, the best hyungs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:42:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solrey/pseuds/Solrey
Summary: Felix has nightmares every night and can't stop them. He knows the reason why he has them but does not talk about it, so his hyungs come in action.





	You're my nightmare filled with stars

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ It's my first time writing a fanfiction for ao3, I hope you like it. Also, I'm not a native english speaker so if you find major mistakes, please point them out~

I woke up one-day night. Sweat rolled down my face to my cheeks and drenching my hair. The air that should filled my lungs where gone and replaced by an unsteady heartbeat. I tried to calm down and steady my breathing but I could’t. The dream I had was still to vivid, lingering in the back of my head and the depths of my heart. I grabbed the bedsheets with my hands, trying to get rid of the shaking that my whole body took over. It didn’t help. The fear still rose and I felt nothing but fear. Sadly, it was nothing new but something common already. So common, I should already be used to it but I’m not. Each time this dream comes through, it strikes me down, shows how weak I actually am. I closed my eyes again and could hear a sigh not far from me. My roommate had probably caught up with the situation I was in but let it go, because I never talked about it and that was good. I could never talk about it.

About this nightmare I’m living every day.

_Will it ever end?_

 

Our Choreographer gestured an ‘okay’ and we collapsed on the floor, trying to catch our breaths. For the last hours we practised four different choreographies and with the end of the day nearing, we were done. Well, fare away from perfect but way better than before. With my hand I ruffled my hair and noticed that it was completely drenched. Nice, shower I’m coming.

I saw a hand gesturing me to take it, so I took it and was pulled up from the floor. Woojin gave me a warm smile while he nodded slightly.  
“Good job today, Felix. Come, let’s take a break, shall we?” 

I answered with an exhausted smile and he took me by the should out of our choreography room. On the way to our dorm we talked about our new choreographies and if the Stays would like it. We joked around a little until we reached the dorm and saw already a line in front of the bathroom. Ugh, of course everyone wants to shower. With that I parted my ways with Woojin and got my stuff out of my room. I sighed when I saw, that Changbin came out from the bathroom without something covering his chest. I looked away as fast as possible, he shouldn’t know that I stared a little. Jisung stood in front of me and talked a little bit with Changbin, which made it worse for me. How can I avoid someone when he is right here? Exhausted and definitely not wanting to look up, I put my head on Jisungs back and closed my eyes. The older just laughed and patted my head.  
“Exhausted?” Jisung asked.  
“Hmmm~”

“Shower and sleep tight, Lix.” I heard and before I could realize it, Changbin had patted me also. From the sudden touch I flinched and I felt that he retreated his hand but I hoped he didn’t notice that I flinched because of him. My hyungs said goodnight to each other and with footsteps getting farther away, I became a little more relaxed. I didn’t notice that I held my breath in.

With the minutes passing, I didn’t realize that the only people who were still up was Jisung and me, who stood in front of the bathroom and Woojin, who was showering right now. Even now I had my head on Jisungs back and by now it should annoy him, but he didn’t brush me off or said anything at all. But suddenly, he broke the silence with a single question.

“Are you really just exhausted because of the training?”

 _So he noticed._ I didn’t know how answer to that so I just kept quiet. Taking my silence as an answer, he began talking.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but we for sure did, Felix. The circles underneath your eyes say a lot. You haven’t been sleeping to well this days, right? Seugmin told us, that you have almost every day a nightmare but you never talk about it. You know that we are here for you, we are a family. We all are really concerned about your health.” 

_Family._ That is exactly what makes me sick every day. Every night. Disgusted by myself I just shake my head, pretending I didn’t know what my hyung just told me. All of them knew that I had nightmares. All of them. With this words, Jisung turned around and looked at me with concern in his eyes. He meant what he said and I knew that. Of course they would be worried about me, they are the people why I’m even here now. I’m thankful for that but at the same time, it feels like I would betray them. It just doesn’t feel right.

“Hyung, don’t worry. I’m fine.” I said, avoiding eye contact. 

“Don’t give me that crap. You are clearly not fine.” Jisung said while trying to get my attention. 

“Jisung, language. But I agree with him, Felix. We are here for you, so please speak with us.” Woojin, who came out auf the shower, said and patted my shoulder. He genuinely looked worried. 

“How about this: when you two have showered, let’s go out for a bit and talk. Just the three of us and if you decide to tell us, we can keep it a secret for the time being. Yeah?”  
\----  
\---  
An hour later, we sat on the ground of the nearest park and looked at the almost complete dark sky. Just a few stars where visible but with this cool summer breeze it almost felt nice. Just almost. My hyungs want the reason but I can’t tell them, so why am I even here? 

As I was thinking, I felt to arms around me, hugging me. I let myself fall against Woojins chest and just close my eyes but of course they wouldn’t let me of the hook so easily. The stares I felt on me said everything.

“Is it really… this bad that you have to cry?” I hear Jisungs worried voice and as I touch my cheeks, they were really wet. I hadn’t noticed that I began to cry but at that point, I couldn’t hold back. The sobs that left my mouth where small and not loud, but loud enough for them to hear. With my hands I held my eyes, hoping I could hide my crying face. I felt Woojins arms around me tighten and pulling me closer. Woojin rested his head on my shoulder while I cried and Jisung tried to calm me down with a few strokes over my leg.

I don’t know for how long I actually cried but it must have been a long time. By the time I stopped it was already completely dark and I had no tears left to cry. I felt empty, just like an empty shell. My body felt numb, as if I never was alive but dead all the time. When did I began to open my heart so easily? I don’t know but today I did. The words just kept on coming out of my mouth like a waterfall.

“W-where do I even begin, Hyung? I’m a terrible person. So, so terrible. I can’t stand myself!”

“You are no-“ Jisung begun but was cut by my words.

“I am, Hyung. We are a family but I do things that are just not right. Not for a family. My Nightmares haunt me every day, whenever I have time to think. My thoughts won’t stop. They are suffocating me every day a little more. Each time I think about it, it rips my heart apart, shreds it in many pieces. For the first time in my life I’m super self-aware and aware about everything around me. Each step feels like I’m walking on hot coal. It burns. It hurts. But what am I to complain? It is all my fault to begin with. Maybe I should have stayed in Australia, it would have been better for all of us.”

Trying to catch my breath I look up and see, how taken back Jisung is for the first time. At this point I don’t even want to see Woojins face, he has probably the same expression. Woojin is the first of us who actually processes what I said.  
“Whatever you’re speaking of, we won’t be mad at you, Felix. Don’t say that it, we want you here. If it haunts you, it will also haunt us. Please, tell us, what pulls you down like this?”  
At his words I feel that tears welled up again in my eyes and I begin to cry again, scared of their reaction. 

“I-I…. I love Changbin-hyung…” 

It comes over my lips in a whisper, almost not hearable but I said it. It felt like I choked the words out. I feel that Woojin lifts his head and I keep my head down, to scared look them in the eye. Suddenly I feel the warmth of a hand on my cheek so I raise my head and look in Jisungs eyes, who has a relived smile on his lips.

“That’s it? For a moment I was scared that you wanted to end your life or something.” 

“Wh-what do y-you mean ‘that’s it?’”

“I think I can speak for each member of Stray Kids, Felix, love whoever you want. We won’t say no to you and exclude you, just because you like a band member. I mean, we all loved someone before.”

“Y-you are okay with that?”

Woojin gentle placed his hand on my head and said: “We kinda new already. So yes, we are.”  
I felt how my eyes began to get big with surprise and before I could react I got squished in a hug.

“What was your nightmare about?” Jisung asked.

“T-that when I told him, he laughed at me, you all did. Our fans did. I felt like an outsider, haunted by the laugh of you all. I got kicked out of Stray Kids, got hate mails and mails that said I should kill myself for being disgusting. I never felt so lonely before.” 

I hear Woojin laugh a little and flinch because of the memories of my nightmare that still lingered inside my head. He probably noticed because he stopped and said: “Felix, we would never laugh about you but always with you. Who are we to decide who you love? And I don’t think that Changbin has something against it. I mean, he is always around you.” 

“Y-you think?” 

“I’m pretty sure he likes you also and if he doesn’t, what I think is impossible, he would never laugh about you. You know him good, he would never do that. If you don’t make your love to obvious for the public, it will okay to love him or whoever you want. Just don’t brag about it. Say it jokingly like you did before and maybe one day, we Idols can actually say who we like without our group to take damage. We support you.” 

“T-thank you Jisung-hyung.”

 

After my confession we just hugged each other stayed like this for a while. Jisung tipped something on his phone, probably telling Chan that we are still out. While we were sitting there, just listening to the sounds of the night, Jisung suddenly speaks up.

“Woojin-hyung and I will go now. I hope you won’t hate me for this but wait here okay?”  
I just nodded, still to light-headed to actually understand what he was hinting to. All the crying made me sleepy. While they waved their goodbye I just stayed where I was and waited. Not for long though, when someone sat beside me and I immediately where awake again. My heart began to race and I felt how I began to shake again. I felt I wasn’t ready yet to confront him. He is my second family, not some random boy from my school that I’m interested in. These feelings where a bad thing, probably. Hopefully not

“Jisung send me, he said you could need some company.”  
I felt how he put an arm around me and pulled me closer. He probably heard how hard my heart was beating. So embarrassing. Still in slight shock I said nothing but I engulfed myself with his warmth. Where his arm touches mine, my skin begins to tingle and I get the urge to embrace this feeling. But can I actually? Is this really okay? Carefully I put my head on his shoulder. With his hand he takes mine and I’m hesitant at first, thinking I should pull my hand away but he won’t let me. He connects our finger with each other and begins to rubs circles with his thumb. It felt wrong and oh so right at the same moment. 

“You know Lix, when you have a problem you can always come to me, like you always did. If you have nightmares, you can sleep with me in my bed, I won’t kick you out. I would never. So tell me, why are you clearly avoiding me lately?”  
His voice sounds deep and raspy, filled with emotions I can’t pinpoint. When I looked at him, he had his eyes on me, staring at me like I did a few hours before. Somehow I felt guilty but for what exactly? 

“I-I did’t avoid you hyung, w-why do you think that?” 

“Because it was as clear as the sky tonight, Lix. I don’t know why you did it but it really hurt me seeing you avoiding me. I mean, you mean a lot to me, probably more than you think. I can’t stand it if I did something that made you uncomfortable with me, so tell me. Did I do something? What did I do?”

“I-it hurt you? Really? What do you mean with I mean a lot to you? Wha-“

“Lix, do you fear our society?”

“S-sometimes, yes.” 

“I do too but at the same time, there are things that are out of my control. Like you. Like my feelings for you. So it hurts when you avoid me. I know that people will look down on me but what can I do? I love you Felix, for quite some time now.”  
I felt that at his words, the tears started to come out again and I began to cry on his shoulder. I tightly embraced Changbins chest and just cried. His words seemed like a distant dream that became reality in an instant. It felt surreal and for a moment I thought that he made a joke but when he returned by embrace I knew, he meant it. 

“I like you to obviously.” I choked out and before I could register what was going on, he lifted my chin and kissed me lightly on my lips. It was short but sweet, filled with passion and love. And it was right.

 

_“You’re my nightmare filled with stars.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Did you liked it? It is also my first Stray Kids fanfiction, I hope they are not to ooc.  
> I tried to bring a certain emotion over to the reader: the feeling when you love someone but you know, you should not because some people will not except it.  
> The feeling of insecurity.


End file.
